2 Years and 5 Sessions
by Sugary.-.Snow
Summary: *Yaoi* USUK Arthur tells his story about how the transfer student, Alfred, came and swooped him off his feet. However, things change when Alfred abruptly becomes abusive and certain things lead up to one life changing event that will scar Arthur for the rest of his life.
1. Session 1

_It must have been a dream._

I was completely emotionless as Alfred pulled away from our kiss.

"Goodnight, Arthur," He smiled before turning away, "I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"Y-yeah," I nodded still unable to fully believe what had actual happened. "Goodnight."

I stepped into my dorm room after waving goodbye and closed the door and locked it.

_I wish it was just a dream._

* * *

How did I end up so lucky? Someone like me getting a boyfriend like Alfred... Two years ago that would have been unthinkable. It seems as if Alfred had made it his first priority to win me over every single way he could, despite the considerable amount of both women and men that threw themselves at him. And despite my blatant lack of self-esteem and trust issues, Alfred's goal wasn't to make me into some sort of project, he wasn't trying to '_fix_' me. Alfred had said many times over and over again that he just wanted to be there for me any way that he could. He didn't expect me to just forget about the sadness of my past, he just wanted to make me happy about the future.

_"And were you happy?"_

Yes, I was very happy. So happy, I could go on for hours describing that one single emotion, that one beautiful feeling. He made me sure of my existence, I didn't know what the future held but I was so sure it would be great as long as I could have him by my side. I had no idea what was coming next.

_"Before we move on though, why don't you start from the beginning, Arthur."_

The very beginning?

_"Yes, all the events that include Alfred. Describe them to me with as much detail as possible."_

* * *

My depression was like a painful, wide, gaping hole in my chest. A hole that I could cover up, but nothing could ever fill it. No amount of drugs or alcohol could ever heal it. Just numb it for a while. And numbing it is what I became accustomed to.

I first heard of Alfred's arrival at our school when I spent a day in the nurses office because I 'wasn't feeling well'. The only two nurses in the entire school were gossiping with each other on their lunch break.

"A freshman girl came in here earlier and you'll never believe what she said, " the nurse began to giggle at her own unfinished joke, "Sh-she said, 'Ma'am, can I have some medicine because I'm sick' and I said okay, what do you think you have. She looked me in my eyes and said, 'The new transfer student from class C3, is drop-dead gorgeous and has made me lovesick'. I laughed so hard I didn't even scold her, I just told her to go back to class."

While the two nurses continued their pointless conversation I had gotten curious. C3 was my homeroom class. A new student had showed up while I was faking sick? Homeroom wouldn't start for another few hours though so I decided to stay there until then.

When homeroom finally did begin I left the nurses office and took my time heading over there. As I entered the completely silent classroom I realized how awkward it was to walk in there like that.

All of the eyes, all of their judging stares and scrutinizing gazes were on me as I handed the teacher a pass and took my seat in the second row right next to the window. I stared down at the wooden desk silently.

"Nice of you to join us Mr. Kirkland," my teacher, Mr. Jerkins looked unamused, "I'm glad you're suddenly feeling better." The entire class remained silent. "Alright class, as you may already know, we have a new student. Please stand up and introduce yourself."

"Um..." I looked up when I heard him speak and saw him rising from his seat in the same row as me but on the other side of the room. He glanced around the class with his lovely blue eyes behind his rectangular glasses, briefly making eye contact with me before I looked down again shyly. "My name is Alfred Jones and... What else am I supposed to say?"

"I don't know. Tell us why you transferred to this school," Mr. Jerkins looked even more bored than some of the students.

"I got expelled," Alfred didn't seem bothered by talking about it at all, however, there were several gasps from the other students.

"W-what?" Mr. Jerkins sat up in his seat and opened up a folder that was labeled 'A. Jones' on his desk and began to read it silently.

"Do you want me to say _why_ they expelled me?" Alfred asked. He seemed entertained by everyone's shock.

"No. No, that's not necessary," Mr. Jerkins' expression while he read what seemed to be Alfred's file was one of slight disgust. "Alright class, form your study groups for the hour." Alfred was about to sit back down, "Mr. Jones, please meet me outside of the classroom for a moment."

Alfred rolled his eyes but nodded.

That's when I decided Alfred was _extremely_ attractive. His muscular build, dirty blond hair, bright blue eyes and the way he moved made him seem energetic. Somehow, it excited me. Even the way he spoke with an unshakable confidence. It all excited me.

But I wasn't delusional. I was aware that Alfred would never see me as anything more than that weirdo who sits on the other side of the room. I never expected anything to become of us.

The first time I spoke to Alfred was 2 weeks later in the Boys' Locker-room. He had just gotten out of the showers and was completely naked. The only thing that prevented me from seeing the entirety of his overflowing masculinity...was a single thin blue towel. I could feel myself turning red as I watched water droplets fall from his blond hair and drip down his shoulders.

I would have continued to stare at him longingly if it hadn't been for my friend Francis clearing his throat. He looked at me knowingly.

"What?" I pretended like I wasn't aware that I had just been staring at a classmate while he dressed.

Francis smirked, "You have a crush, Arthur?"

"N-no! It's nothing like that!" I said quickly, "I was just-"

"Staring at him like you're a starving man and he's a meal?" Francis pat me on the shoulder, "You should have told me! He's my friend I'll introduce you two."

"W-wait! No! Don't, Francis!" I hurriedly began to dress myself as Francis called Alfred over.

"Hey, Alfie!" Francis waved to him, "Come here for a sec."

After I pulled my shirt over my head I saw Alfred glance at both of us before zipping up his pants and making his way toward us.

"Hey Francis, what's up dude?" Alfred smiled. He still didn't have a shirt on and I was afraid I'd stare at him again so I just looked at the ground.

"Alfred, this is my friend, Arthur," Francis introduced us, "Arthur, this is Alfred."

"Hey, I know you," Alfred moved a bit closer and reached out to shake my hand, "You're in my Homeroom class."

"Yeah..." I said and timidly shook his hand, still not looking up.

"We should hang out sometime," Alfred offered. My heart skipped a beat at the thought of spending time with Alfred but something told me he was just being polite.

"Yeah that'd be cool," I said quietly.

"You're so quiet, dude," Alfred pointed out, "Are you nervous or something?"

"I-I..." I didn't know how to respond.

"There's no reason to be nervous around me." Then I felt his warm hand on my chin, gently tilting my head up to look at him. "It's okay."

His hair was still damp, his glasses were a bit fogged from the steam, and his smile was heartbreaking. I wanted him. I wanted him so badly it hurt. It hurt because I knew that I would never be able to have him. And that one belief of us never being anything more than friends loomed over my head like a heavy storm cloud. I looked away again.

The bell rang and it was time to head to our next class.

* * *

_"Now let's fast forward a bit. How did you and Alfred begin dating?"_

Well, throughout the months of August and September we became pretty good friends. But October... I'll never forget. It was Halloween and Alfred had begged me to go to the school dance with him and a few other friends. I think he knew I was a sucker for that wonderful smile of his. I couldn't say no.

_"What happened at the dance?"_

Oh my god... I remember Alfred dressed up as Jason Voorhees and I was a vampire. Someone had spiked the punch and on top of that I smoked quite a bit of weed before even going to the party. It was insane. I didn't dance. I just sat in the corner drinking the spiked punch, unknowingly of course. Then Alfred walked over to me and started complaining about how I was 'no fucking fun' and I got pissed. I yelled about stupid shit. Shit I would have never said if I was sober. But it was all okay because the next thing I knew we were kissing. Then Alfred led me to the bathroom and we...

_"You...? You don't have to say it."_

We fucked. It was beautiful. Never mind the fact we were in a slightly dirty public restroom, and never mind the fact that we were both slightly intoxicated... I was just filled with this wonderful...indescribable feeling that night. But that's not when I fell in love with him. I don't remember much after him and I had sex. I just remember waking up in a dorm room that was not my own. And next to me was Alfred's warm sleeping body.

My head hurt like hell and a wave of shame washed over me. I hadn't known this guy for more than 3 months and slept with him although I was fully aware that if he had been sober he would have never seen me in that way. I got up to leave but Alfred abruptly grabbed my arm pulling me back down onto the bed.

'Don't go yet,' he told me. And then I apologized. I don't know why I did but I felt like I had ruined our friendship. Because I thought we could never be anything more than friends, I forced myself to be satisfied with just that. But it hurt. And now that I had gotten a taste of what I had actually wanted I couldn't even have him as a friend anymore and that was even more painful.

He asked me why I was apologizing and then I couldn't stop the tears from pouring out. It was completely out of nowhere and took Alfred by surprise. He didn't say a word after that. He just held me. He held me for what seemed like forever and I never wanted him to let go. It was during that time that I decided that I loved him.

_"Thank you Arthur, for telling me the first part of the story and I would love to hear more but I'm afraid our time is up for now. This session is over. We'll pick it up tomorrow. Bye for now."_


	2. Session 2

_"Welcome back. I hope you're doing well. Before we start today's session I would like to take a moment to remind you that anything you say here is completely confidential and will not be shared with anyone. For this session I think we should start on something happy. Now please close your eyes. I want you to think of one of the happiest moments you ever had with Alfred. You don't have to describe it for me. Just think."_

* * *

The way Alfred pressed his lips to mine was a bit rougher than usual. And the way he held me made it seem like he was desperate to make sure I was actually there.

"I'm sorry." He whispered in-between our kisses, "I'm so sorry Arthur. Please forgive me." He took off his glasses and put them on the nightstand next to the bed we were on.

I didn't know what to say. Could I really just forgive him after what he'd done? Would forgiving him verify that I was weak and easily manipulable?

He began to unbutton my school uniform and then his own. I had to make a choice now. If I went through with this then that would qualify as giving in. That would be pretending like the bruise on my cheek didn't still ache. It would be pretending that I wasn't still completely terrified of him. So why did I still want this so badly?

"I...I forgive you," I said and closed my eyes.

"Thank you," Alfred kissed my bruised cheek, "I promise I'll never hurt you again. I love you Arthur." Every fiber of my being believed his words to be true.

"I love you too, Alfred," he yanked down my pants and unzipped his own.

* * *

The memory ends before we have sex.

_"Why do you think that is?"_

Because it wasn't the sex that makes that one of my favorite memories. It was because that was the first time he ever said he loved me.

_"Arthur...it's okay. Don't cry."_

I'm sorry. I'm a mess. I can't do this anymore.

_"No, c'mon. What do you want to talk about?"_

Well...

* * *

About a month after the Halloween dance, after we were officially dating, everything seemed to be going great. I was slowly coming out of my shell and I was happier. Much Happier. Anytime I fell Alfred was there to lift me back up.

He and I were laying on his bed. The TV was on but we weren't doing anything in particular.

"Arthur, say something," Alfred spoke softly. He didn't have his glasses on, he was just blankly staring at the ceiling. "Anything."

"I can't think of anything off the top of my head," I stared at the TV.

"Tell me what you first thought when you saw me," I didn't have to look at him to know he was grinning.

"Well I thought you were attractive. But not just from the way you look. It was the way you spoke, how amused you seemed when the class was surprised you had been expelled... But most of all it was probably the sound of your voice. I won't compare it to music, your voice isn't like music. It's more powerful...like poetry. I'm not saying music can't be poetry but I just can't compare your voice to a song. It's more like something I'd never get tired of hearing. Something I could listen to forever." I could feel myself becoming slightly embarrassed. This was like a confession, "That's what I first found most appealing about you."

"Arthur you've got such a way with words." Alfred sighed, "You compared me to something beautiful like poetry, but I'd never be able to understand something so complex..."

I didn't know how to respond to that. I felt as though he were insulting himself and wanted to say something uplifting but... It just didn't feel right. So we continued to sit in silence.

* * *

_"When did you first notice Alfred was beginning to change?"_

I can't say for sure. Sometime after the sixth month we'd been dating. Junior year was ending. We only had a few weeks left to decide if we'd go home to our parents for summer break or stay on campus. When I asked Alfred what he was going to do he said that he wasn't allowed to go back home. So at the time I was thinking 'Hey we've been dating for so many months and he knows so much about my family and background but I know near to nothing about his' and I realized that this was odd.

So I asked him about it. I wasn't prepared for his reaction. He blew up. Started yelling about how it was 'none of my goddamn business' and how intrusive my questions always were.

I was absolutely speechless, nearly horrified. I had never seen him so angry. All I had asked was why he wasn't allowed to go home. That single incident with him tore me up inside. Here I was, being open and letting him inside even the most deep and darkest parts of my mind and he deemed even a single question from me about his family as too personal. I didn't understand this so I was hurt.

Later he apologized for the outburst and I forgave him but I was still uneasy about it.

_"When was the first time he hit you?"_

A bit after the outburst he had from me asking about his family he started having small, mini-outbursts. Again, I didn't know how to react to any of them. I would usually just let him yell, apologize for things that weren't necessarily my fault, then he'd apologize later for losing his temper. But one time...one time I got angry and yelled back and he _really_ lost it.

Alfred had given me a key to his dorm so I could come and go as I pleased. His room was a horrible mess. Now, Alfred wasn't usually a messy person. He definitely wasn't a clean-freak, but he did like things to be neat. It was almost as if he was searching for something and destroyed his room in an angry fit of not being able to find what he was looking for.

In any event, I decided to clean it for him.

It was a mistake.

I thought I was doing something nice for him, something good, something that would make him _happy_. But no. He wasn't happy at all. He was _furious__. _And his extreme anger put me to shame. It had me in tears.

Although so far I had almost been completely submissive throughout our relationship there was a tiny voice inside of me saying 'No, no this isn't right. You haven't done a thing wrong. He has no right to make you feel this way for doing something you thought would make him happy'. So that's exactly what I said. Or...I was able to say most of it...

* * *

"No you can't do this, Alfred!" I yelled wiping away tears, "I haven't done a thing wrong! You have no right to-"

It happened so fast my mind barely processed what happened. Then after about a minute the realization hit me like Alfred just had. He had hit me so hard I had fallen backward and was now sitting on the bed.

"Don't fucking tell me what I can and cannot do!"

I could only stare up at him in utter shock.

No, this couldn't be right. Not Alfred, not the sweet and caring boyfriend I knew. This was _not_ the same person I fell in love with the morning after Halloween so many months ago. Things had changed and I did not know how to deal with it.

* * *

_"It's alright Arthur... That's enough for today okay? We'll continue this conversation in the next session. So go get some rest. See you tomorrow."_


	3. Session 3

_"Arthur are you alright? You don't look so well today."_

I just...I dreamt about Alfred last night.

_"What happened in the dream?"_

He...he was so violent... I... It was just like before when... Never mind.

_"Before when what? Arthur it's alright, you can tell me."_

It's just... FUCK. I can't fucking do this anymore. These memories...

* * *

"Arthur I'm so happy I met you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me," Alfred smiled and ran his fingers through my hair.

* * *

They all keep...coming back and I can't stop them.

* * *

"I'm sorry, I was just so worried about you Arthur. Don't ever scare me like that again. Please. I love you," Alfred hugged me tighter than I had ever been hugged before. His warmth engulfed me as I held onto him.

* * *

_"Are they bad memories?"_

No and that's the problem. The good memories hurt worse than the bad ones. And there's this voice in my head telling me it was all a lie. Our entire relationship was just some sort of fabrication from my mind to make me happy.

_"Do you believe it is?"_

Yes...? No! No, you don't understand! It doesn't matter if he never really loved me because what I felt for him was real! It was the realest fucking thing I've ever felt! And for me it was more than just sex or the confidence I felt when I was with him! It was...it was so much more... I loved him. I loved him so much.

* * *

"Arthur you fucking idiot! See what you've done?" Alfred just glared down at me. I could feel the warmth of fresh blood drip down my forehead, then make its way over my eyelids and down my cheeks.

"W-what have _I_ done?" I touched the top of my head where Alfred had just hit me with a glass vase. My vision was so blurry as I stared at all the blood that came off on my hand. But it didn't hurt. I couldn't feel anything.

"Clean up all this fucking glass," Alfred took another sip of his beer. "And when you're done, clean yourself up. You're a mess."

I could barely hear him. My vision was beginning to fade black.

"Maybe I should...go to the hospital..." I tried to wipe the blood off my face. It was dripping everywhere on the hardwood floor.

"Goddamn it, you're getting blood everywhere! Fine, I'll take you to the hospital if it gets you to stop bleeding all over my floor," he grabbed his car keys but didn't bother helping me off the floor.

* * *

There were times when I thought he truly hated my very being.

_"What do you think started this extreme love and devotion you had for him?"_

I already told you. It was Halloween.

_"Yes, I understand but let's go deeper than that. I think there's more to it than that. There was something about Alfred that made you stick around even after he started abusing you. And it couldn't have been love. Is there something you're not telling me?"_

No. I've told you everything you've wanted to hear so far.

_"It just feels like you're leaving a very important piece of the story out."_

An...important piece?

_"Arthur I want you to be honest with me, but more importantly, I want you to be honest with yourself..."_

I don't know what you're talking about. I've been telling you the complete truth this entire time.

_"Please recall again what happened to Alfred."_

What? Why? I don't want to talk about that today. Please don't make me talk about that today.

_"Why not Arthur? You're going to have to talk about it sooner or later."_

Stop it! Don't do this to me!

_"Arthur I'm asking you this as your friend now. This doesn't even have to go on the record. Why did you stay with Alfred after he began treating you the way he did?"_

BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T FUCKING LET ME LEAVE, OK? He wouldn't...he wouldn't even let me leave! All I wanted to do was get the fuck away from him. Far away from him. I loved him so much but I was so scared for my life around him.

_"What do you mean he wouldn't let you leave?"_

I tried _so_ hard... I tried to get away from him. I even asked my parents if I could switch schools and go somewhere closer to home but when he found out... He said if I ever left he'd tell my parents I was gay and I couldn't have that happen. At one point I didn't care anymore and tried to runaway for good but he found me. When he found me he slapped me an then hugged me right there in public. He told me how worried he'd been and how much he loved me. I was so convinced it would somehow work out, y'know? He had me so convinced...

_"What about the good times?"_

The good times...were so good they had to have outweighed the bad. Everything was pure bliss. When it was good it was _real_ good. Those memories are sparkling, glittering even. They're beautiful even if they hurt so bad. The good memories come then they slip away so quickly it makes it hard to believe they were even real. Maybe his feelings for me never existed but even so his memory mocks me, still. I'll never have the good or bad side of Alfred ever again.

* * *

"Hey Arthur, you ever wonder if we should runaway together? Forget all this complicated stuff. Forget our parents and start a life of our own?" Alfred stared out his bedroom window. It was a rainy Saturday morning. Everything was dark and gray outside.

"You're crazy, Alfred," I turned on my other side in his bed so I was facing away from him.

"Maybe I am, but you'd be a liar if you said you weren't considering it right now," I felt him sit on the edge of the bed behind me.

I smiled. I was considering it. Alfred was everything I had ever wanted. We could be poor, living in a tiny apartment with not enough to eat and I'd still probably be the happiest person on Earth. Just because I was with him. I closed my eyes and continued to imagine what life with him would be like.

Then I felt Alfred kissing my cheek. Very gently. His hand slid down and into my boxers and I rolled over so I was facing him. Slowly, he began stroking my...

"Alfred you have to get ready for work," I reminded him.

"So what? I can be late just once," he broke our kiss to take off his boxers, then slide down mine. Without any preparation he wasted no time in sliding his hard member inside.

Of course it hurt. I can't remember a time when it didn't hurt at first but I made sure not to show any sign of pain. If I did he would stop or slow down and I didn't know why I didn't want him to do that.

* * *

Sometimes he treated me like I was some sort of God and other times he didn't even treat me like I was human.

_"How did you feel about that?"_

How do you think I felt? I was hurt. I was _always _being hurt one way or another. Even though the good times outweigh the bad I know our relationship was more painful than anything. Painful because he hurt me but also painful because I never felt like I really deserved him. The happiness itself hurt because I thought I didn't deserve any of it.

_"Alright Arthur, we can stop for today. We'll pick this up next session. See you tomorrow."_


	4. Session 4

_"Did you seek help from anyone?"_

I did. Several times. But Alfred always found out and when he did his reaction was always...terrible... After a while I just gave up.

_"Who did you reach out to about it?"_

First, I tried talking to a few of my friends. They seemed really concerned. I remember specifically my friend Francis noticed some of the bruises on my body in the locker room.

_"What did you tell him?"_

Well first he asked me why I never hung out with him or most of my other friends anymore. I hadn't noticed of course but I didn't really do much outside of class anymore. So I just shrugged my shoulders at him and tried to cover up the bruises. He kept asking me about them and I got annoyed. Then he told me to meet him after school so we could talk.

_"And what happened when you met up with him?"_

I never got a chance to. Alfred pulled me to the side during lunch and said he wanted to take me out to eat after school. I was ecstatic. It was rare that we went out to eat. So I easily forgot about my plans with Francis and immediately left with Alfred when school was over. The thing was we stopped at Alfred's dorm to change out of our uniforms and Alfred got a call. I knew something was strange when Alfred went into the bathroom to accept the call. However I had absolutely no intention to eavesdrop, I just continued searching for something to wear.

While I was searching I overheard Alfred say something before he hung up that caught my attention though. I remember it so vividly.

* * *

"Yeah okay." I heard Alfred whisper, "I know. Yeah. I'll see you then. Yes, Michelle, I know. I love you too. Bye."

I stopped what I was doing and looked at the bathroom door, waiting for Alfred to come out. I didn't want to believe what I just heard but I couldn't stop the fury that was beginning to brew inside of me.

"Who was that?" I asked as Alfred took a step out of the bathroom. If he lied to me this would confirm my suspicions.

Alfred looked at me completely calm. "Oh, just a guy from school that I borrowed notes from."

We just stood in silence for a moment.

"Alfred that was the shittiest lie I've ever fucking heard," I dared to say.

"Excuse me?" Alfred narrowed his eyes at me.

"A guy named Michelle? Seriously? A random guy from school that you borrow notes from and tell him you love him," then things happened so fast.

Alfred pinned me to the wall. "You were listening to me on the phone, huh? What, you don't fucking trust me now?"

"I don't give a fuck about your conversations! I wasn't trying to hear that," he was deviating from the matter at hand, "Besides that's not the point! Who the hell is Michelle?"

He grabbed my face and roughly slammed my head against the wall before whispering in my ear, "None of your fucking business."

Then he left. Forgot about the dinner plans, forgot about everything and just left me there.

* * *

_"When did you meet Michelle?"_

Well, I was walking back to my dorm alone when I saw both of them. At the time I wasn't sure who she was. He was kissing her. I was so furious.

_"Did you confront them right there?"_

No of course not. I waited a long time. I didn't want Alfred to know I saw them because I didn't want to see how he would react. It wasn't until we were about to graduate when I saw her alone at lunch and I asked her if she knew who I was. She had no idea. I asked her if she knew Alfred. She said he was her boyfriend.

* * *

"Oh yeah, you know Alfred? He's my boyfriend."

"B-boyfriend?" I was so shocked.

"Yeah. How do you know him?" She smiled at me.

"How could he be your boyfriend?" I felt a burning sensation in the back of my eyes, "When he's been my boyfriend for 2 years."

"What?" Her eyes widened in disbelief. "You're a fucking liar!"

This was not the reaction I expected at all.

"I...I'm not lying to you!" I took a deep breath to calm myself down, "I'm just as angry as you are."

And then she pushed me. Not hard. Just a small push. I didn't retaliate. I just continued to stand there staring at her.

"Alfred isn't gay you fucking asshole!" She yelled at me.

"M-Michelle listen..." And that's when it all hit me. It hit me harder than Alfred ever could. Alfred was just a parasite, a _leech. _All he ever did was suck the happiness out of my life. I didn't know what I was to him but I didn't want to be anything but a distant memory anymore. I wanted all of our time together to be a distant memory. "He's abusive. Isn't he?"

"What the hell are you talking about? Alfred's never laid a hand on me!" She glared at me, "I've been dating him for 4 months and he's never been anything but kind." I saw her pull down her uniform sleeve a bit to cover up a purple bruise on her brown wrist.

"Right..." I looked at the ground, "Michelle, I can tell you're a sweet girl. If Alfred truly is kind to you then you both deserve each other. But if he's hurting you... You need to get away from him now. Get away while you still can. Don't make the same mistake I did. Don't." I could feel the tears spilling out. "Let him go. Just...let him go." I sniffed, "Let him go before he becomes the biggest mistake you'll ever make. He'll ruin you."

"Y-you don't know what you're talking about!" And then she ran away.

I skipped the rest of that day and went back to Alfred's dorm. As quickly as I could I gathered all my things up, then I went back to my own dorm and began to pack everything up there too.

I had almost packed everything when there was a loud knock at my door. My heart skipped a beat. If it was Alfred and he had found out what I told Michelle he would be furious. It didn't matter who it was I wasn't going to open it.

"Arthur open the fucking door I know you're in there," it was Alfred and he did sound very angry.

I remained silent and did not move a muscle.

"Seriously, you're going to make me go back to my dorm and get my key? I'll be right back then." I heard him walk away.

I don't know what I was thinking. It was probably because I was panicking but I quickly grabbed what I had packed so far and left the room, thinking I'd just leave before he came back.

But of course he was out there waiting for me. _Of course_ he was. I ran straight into him. _  
_

He dragged me back into my room and...

* * *

_"It's alright Arthur, you can say the rest. Finish the story Arthur. You can do it."_

* * *

He dragged me by my hair into the room and slammed me against the wall causing me to drop my bag.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He slapped me once, "You talked to Michelle, didn't you?" Then he glanced around my almost bare room. "And now you're trying to fucking leave me?"

"I'm not going to put up with this anymore Alfred I-"

He grabbed me by my hair again and slammed my head against the wall causing my vision to go dark for a second.

"You can't," he said, "You can't leave me. I won't let you."

I pushed him away. "You're fucking crazy and I _refuse_, Alfred. I refuse to go through this any longer. I won't."

I picked up my bag and quickly began making my way towards the door. My heart was pounding. Was this it? Was he really going to let me leave?

Of course he wasn't.

He grabbed me by my shirt and yanked me back around.

"What do you want me to do?" He looked serious, "What do I have to do to make you stay, huh?"

"There is nothing you can do, Alfred," hot tears were pouring out of my eyes now, "For almost two fucking years I've stuck by you. I've tried to make this work and you just... You just _keep_ hurting me every way possible." I looked him in his eyes, "You're cheating on me."

"You shouldn't have spoken to her!"

"That doesn't change that you fucking cheated on me! Not only have I been the one putting up with your abuse but now this?" I pulled away from him.

He sighed, "Arthur, no. I love you. You know how much I fucking love you. You can't do this."

"This relationship is over. I'm ending it. Goodbye." Again, I tried to leave. And again, he wouldn't let me.

This time he pulled me back and pushed me. I fell on the glass coffee table which shattered beneath me. Large shards of glass cut me and I cried out in pain.

Alfred began rolling up the sleeves of his school uniform, "You know you're not the only one who's been trying to make this mess of a relationship work. I was trying too, Arthur. But that's hard to do with someone like you. You don't make it easy."

"Fuck you," I said as he pinned me to the floor and slapped me again.

He began hitting me. Over and over again. I couldn't take it anymore. He was going to kill me. He wouldn't let me leave him so he was going to kill me. I had to _do_ something. Without even realizing it I had reached for a shard of glass.

This couldn't be it. This is not how I was meant to die. Forget my low self-esteem, forget how depressed I am and always have been, forget my multiple suicide attempts. _I do not deserve this. _At that moment nothing mattered. All the time Alfred hit me, all the times he made me feel great or made me feel like dying. The confidence he once gave me, the times when he made me smile just from thinking about him. All the endless months I had wasted on him. None of it mattered because this was the end. This was the end of it all.

Without thinking I had shoved the large piece of glass into Alfred's stomach.

His eyes went wide as he was engulfed with shock. Wider than I had ever seen them before. As if he couldn't believe what I had just done. And then there was the pain. He yelled in agony as blood spilled everywhere. On him, on me, on the floor. Everywhere.

"I was just a broken thing that needed someone to put me back together," I was crying, "And for a long time I was sure you were that person. I endured all kinds of pain because of you and now I can't help but think... I wish I would have never met you, Alfred Jones," I told him as he was bleeding to death. "We didn't have to end up like this." I began sobbing, "I wish it was all a dream. This can't be real."

Alfred coughed up blood. "Nah babe," he coughed some more, "This is real. Don't ever fucking say those things." He laid down in the glass next to me. "I know I was terrible to you. I was dealing with a lot of shit you'll never understand. But try to understand this..." He began crying as well, "Arthur I'm so happy I met you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me," Alfred smiled and ran his fingers through my hair. "The only part of this that I will always regret, is that I didn't treat you better. I didn't treat you the way you deserved to be treated. I was never good for you but you tried to stay. You did." He coughed again but still smiled as tears streamed from his eyes, "I love you, Arthur."

And just like that it was over. It was all over.


	5. Session 5

_"Arthur you look much better today. We've made so much progress in such little time. I'm very proud of you."_

Yeah it took me a while to finally accept Alfred's death. I think I just needed to tell someone who was willing to listen. And while I was with Alfred it took me even longer to realize that...I am an actual human being. I matter. And I never deserved the way Alfred treated me.

_"No, no you didn't deserve it."_

It feels like I've wasted two entire years of my life on him. And I know I'm better off without him but... I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss the way we were when it first began. That's the Alfred I want back. But it's over now. I'll never get him back. You know I found out why he was expelled from his old school? Turns out he nearly beat his past boyfriend to death. During school. He was charged with domestic abuse but his ex-boyfriend eventually dropped the charges.

_"Arthur..."_

Do you think he loved him just the way I did? The way I still do? Were we both just victims of Alfred's relentless abuse? Or maybe there was something different about him? What do you think, Kiku?

_"I don't know Arthur. Please, don't cry."_

You know I tried to kill myself last night. I took a bunch of sleeping pills and I saw Alfred in a dream. It's ridiculous... He was dressed in his Jason Voorhees costume like on the night I fell in love with him. He started telling me all sorts of things.

* * *

"You were always a time bomb waiting to explode, Arthur," Alfred smiled.

* * *

I told him that I still loved him. Despite everything that had happened. I told him that I wished we never would have met so this would have never happened. I may have been someone who's life has no real purpose but at least he'd still be alive. If I had never met him I would have forced myself to be satisfied with just admiring him from a distance. For all of those two years I would have been satisfied with never saying a word to him.

* * *

"You still don't get it do you?" His smile faltered. "Arthur what we had at first was beautiful. Everything needed to happen the way it did so now you know..." he paused, "...now you know you deserve so much more than I could have ever given you. So find someone else. Go find someone that will treat you right and cherish you."

* * *

So I told him that I didn't know if I could. I didn't know if I could move on.

* * *

"Arthur, please," his eyes watered, "Let me go, Arthur. You have to let me go."

* * *

That's the last thing he said to me before he faded away. To let him go. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going. I can't regret the past two years with Alfred, I can't think that they were a waste. That would be an insult to his memory. I will admit for some time I hated him. He almost made me feel guilty about him dying and I still sort of do blame myself.

_"It's not your fault Arthur."_

That's what I keep trying to tell myself. I'm trying to let him go. I really am. But I just can't escape the fact that I am the one who killed him. I ended Alfred's life. I don't regret my time with Alfred but there will always be a part of me that wishes we never met.

_"What do you plan to do now?"_

I'm going to tell my parents everything that happened from start to finish. Then I'll start applying to college. My grades weren't perfect but I'll try. I said I was going to do my best and move on and this is where I'll start. I have to get my life together.

_"Arthur I just want you to know that despite how you may feel about yourself, you're a very strong, inspirational person and I wish you the best of luck."_

Thank you, Kiku, that really means a lot. You've helped me so much with coping with what happened. I've learned a lot from these sessions.

_"Oh? Like what?"_

Like, that I am a human being and deserve someone much better than Alfred. I'm worth so much more than that.

_"Well, I'm really glad to hear that. That's probably all that is left to talk about for our final session. You can go home now Arthur, and good luck with everything."_

Thank you so much, Kiku.

* * *

_Alfred rolled over in the bed to look at me. He was smiling so widely and I think I could see tears in his eyes._

_"What is it?" I asked him nervously trying to avoid eye contact._

_"Can you feel it, Arthur?" He said, still smiling._

_"Feel what? What are you talking about?"_

_"Things are going to change for us. Something great is on the horizon and I can feel it. It's so close, Arthur," he rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling now, "Can't you feel it too?"_

_"Something...great?" I remained motionless for some time. I was searching myself for this feeling. What was he talking about? I couldn't find it. "I don't know if I can."_

_"I'm sure the feeling is there. You just don't know it. Just keep searching," Alfred yawned and closed his eyes, "Keep searching and you'll find it."_

_I sighed and closed my eyes as well._

That was the last of the memories I dreamt of with Alfred.


End file.
